THE BLISS OF IGNORANCE

The hair isnt so bad once you get used to it when its straight
Now i just need a haircut!

Last night around midnight somebody called asking for my mom by name -- i thought it was somebody she works with who just had surgery. I take her the phone and she comes out 15 minutes later crying saying that the call was from my Aunt and she explained that when she picked up my 8 month old cousin from the sitter next door, the woman said that 'she fell out of her swing and she must have twisted her ankle, i was only out of the room for a couple minutes'. My aunt takes her home and looks at it, and she can just TELL -- motherly instinct i guess -- that something is wrong. They take Jossalin to med clinic and they tell my aunt that something is not right, she needs to be taken to the emergency room.
My aunt takes her in and they tell her that she broke her femor and that something like this isnt done easily -- it has to be twisted with great force. So the hospital calls the police and child protective services, my aunt is devostated and my 8 month old cousin is in a body cast. My whole family is on edge and my grandmother cries randomly. We keep calling to ask if she needs anything, but ill probably spend the next week going over there to help her out. Seems right, she wont ask for help.

But on a brighter note, i found out that i am EXTREMELY attracted to Reagan guys -- not that that's bad. At least it hasnt proven to be...YET. And tonight me, my sister, and my mom are all going down to San Antonio speedway to suprise my dad after the races tonight. Show some support for the superdad in our lives.

Did i mention that i got an uber cute hat at AE the other day -- OH and i can now wear AE jeans. IM SO FUCKIN' EXCITED!!

Missing glory like crazy!!

I dont even wanna think about what school's gonna be like w.o her...

Kinda glad school is gonna start. Im too bored here at home all day. And being at home with NOTHING to do is never good for me...

I can now say that i am over Mr. Mat Cooper and i have now moved onto an old friend -- Derek. Somebody slap me. And i can honestly say that i am starting to fall for my ex boyfriend Matt. God i hope he isnt reading this... But with Matt. I know what we've been through and i know that him and i can never have a fully functional relationship. Although i have changed SLIGHTLY since i last talked to him my freshman year -- he will still always be busy with his band(s) and he wont have time to be there for me. So -- friends is good for now. Now, im not saying that i wouldnt jump at the opportunity if ANYTHING and i mean anything came up. So yeah. Im just gonna sit tight and wait for things to plan on. Hopefully ill finally get to see Derek after a year and me and Matt can hang out and bullshit around like we did the first time i saw him...I guess im just glad that things are running relatively smooth right now. No need to pressure & push anything.

Who knows.

I think this is honestly the first time ive been calm about a situation like this -- you all know me. Usually im like bouncing off the walls and asking about 50 people for help. This is a new thing for me.

Yesterday i was sitting here -- i had just put my away message up that said "HE FUCKED ME OVER" and then Mat IMs me and hes like "dont you think that you should find out whats been going on with me before you start assuming shit?" He always says hes riding and stuff so how the hell am i supposed to think anything other than THAT. I had talked to a NUMBER of people and they all told me different things -- you guys know how that is. And so i went with a couple of them and flew off the handle...

Well i called him after he IMd me because he wouldnt answer the IMs. Sad i know...im pitiful. But i like him A LOT. He didnt answer the phone. I didnt leave a message. I called him this morning. This time leaving a message. But he hasnt called back. Im scared me wont. So i had a GREAT thing going and then i fucked it up because i assumed like i do every other time.

GREAT...

So im pretty sure now that i was used..

This kinda hurts
 -- a lot.

wallowing sounds good right about now
(then again so does sleep)

So...

Havent updated in awhile...

-- Been about a week.

So.i.met.somebody.
Really.nice.guy.
Excellent.date.
Wont.say.why.
Confusing.friends.
Im being told so many different things.
Its confusing!

Things went great and i really like him but i have Derek telling me to be careful -- over and over again. Basically telling me not to trust him. I did something yesterday that i didnt think id do anytime soon. I dont regret it. Im just scared now that the guy sees me as nothing more than an object (thanks derek). He did call back though -- thats a good thing...

Right...?

He said he'd call back.
Dont know when he will though...
Im not gonna worry.

Just hope...

Any advice?

Ok -- so i cant have Austin as anything other than a fuck buddy...
I chose Eric -- bad idea!
He chose me this morning around 3 am and everything was fine -- i was happy -- he seemed happy and i thought everything had finally started going my way. Then this morning he wakes me up at 12:50 and you can tell he wants to say something but he doesnt and hes yelling at somebody in the background -- i force him to tell me and he uses an inside joke to try and tell me -- beating around the bush -- naturally i think hes trying to make another dumb watermelon joke so im confused. He then continues to tell me that 'i want a flirtatious friend' which i dont get either because he is my boyfriend...
Next he tells me that he's choosing the other girl -- AFTER 8 HOURS OF BEING WITH ME? WHY THE FUCK EVEN ASK ME OUT?! REALLY...

So now im regretting even letting myself fall and im really hoping that he realizes he made a mistake so that i can laugh at him -- dammit!

OY OY OY
Ok...im having DUH a complete emotional overload due to the fact that i have 3 guys around right now and i have no clue what to do. Somebody is telling me to date 2 of them so i have a fall-back plan, but im not the kind of girl to date 2 guys. I can date one a cheat, but i cant date 2.

Too difficult.

So yesterday AJ got back from S. Padre and we ended up on the topic of how he thought/was hoping that something would happen between us, but the thing was that i had told him that i was interested in Eric when him and i last talked, and so i dont know what happened there. He's really a sweet guy and all and he makes me smile/laugh, but hes kinda hairy...

You laugh...
THIS IS SERIOUS!
I cant date a hairy guy. I hate long hair and/or beards/gotees of ANY kind...

So anyways. Then there's Eric who obviously cant show he cares or wants me the way he says he does. I dont get it. If you can tell me you want me and you care then why the fuck cant you prove it? Call me when you say you will. Talk to me sometimes. God knows, but posting 60 comments a day between the both of us, isnt exactly the greatest thing. Robbie only texted -- never called. Is this that whole relationship over again?

Please!

Next we come to the ska boy -- Austin. Im falling for him so fast and im so scared that im going to get hurt. I dont know. But hes sweet and hes funny as hell. I can talk to him about just about anything w/o feeling like a complete idiot. He likes good music and he likes checked stuff. Not to mention, im gonna get my hands on that RANCID shirt he has. It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine! So i really like him...

At least we know the problem is between Austin and Eric. But up until Austin came into the picture, i was fine because i knew i wanted Eric and now im kinda thinking that i like and even may want Austin more than Eric...

AH!!!

*head explodes*

I seriously thought this month was going to start looking up...

I had heard about 3 deaths of san antonio teens this month already and then i was informed that there was a 4th... A good friend of a friend of mine has passed on as well and i dont think i can take seeing another wrecked friend. Its impossible to sit there and not be alarmed or hurt by something when a friend is so damaged by it. Its hard. I didnt expect anything else like this to happen! ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!

I dont know what to do...

How many more this year...?

Will i be one of them...?

I WENT TO THE CIRCUS...

YESTERDAY!

I was reverted back to my childhood and it was pretty cool. And there was this guy sitting down 4 rows and over 4 seats or something and he didnt look like he was having too much fun, which who looked like to be his mom and his sister. I shoulda gone down there and showed him a good time, but i decided to be a good girl, sit back in my chair, and watch the circus, kicking my feet like the little kids sitting behind me were doing. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THEY WERE KICKING MY CHAIR, DAMMIT!

I hate kids sometimes...

Then i came home, met a cool guy, ended up that guy was a jack-ass...dont care to explain how i found this one out, but then i met his friend Aldwin, such a sweetie, but then today...who knows what happened. I think i started telling people about him. You guys know how that backfires. I DONT KNOW. Maybe it'll get better...? *shrugs*

Now glory is telling me that yesterday, at the Ska show, that Rudy took his shirt off and so now im really wishing i had either gone to the show instead of the circus, or i SHOULDA showed the guy in the misfits shirt a good time. Either way i lose!

HAPPY ALDWIN? I LOSE!!!!

Again...

(yesterday) WARPED TOUR!

Scary Kids Scaring Kids
My Chemical Romance
Senses Fail
Hawthorne Heights
Big D and the Kids Table
Some other ska band
Some band Jordan wanted to see

I admit i had a blast and could there be anymore people from myspace there? JEEZ

But the people i was looking for....i didnt see, but Shelby saw me like 10 times and Kelsey saw me at the Scary Kids Scaring Kids stage. GOSH! Too busy reading shirts.

The MCR crowd got a little scary, thats why i stayed behind it all!

It was good to go to a final BIG SHOW with glory, i think it makes things a little easier for when she leaves because i can then say that i had a blast at warped tour with her.

IM 18!! shhhh!

I got sunburned! But it isnt anything new. But i was suprised that it wasnt worse! And my Early November shirt smells like sweat, hose water, and Hollister... Just so you would all know!

...then i found out that Twists computer is still on and his away message is still up from the night of the crash... it reads:

ummmm im not exactly here, im out gallivanting around, running into parked cars, you know being stupid ther only thing i might be good at.... call if you want 725-4538

I never thought id miss somebody so much. But the funeral was very touching and then i went over to Dori's and had a great time, getting our mind off of bad things and taking 30 pictures... However i was pretty pissed when the priest said that "Mike Twist made the biggest mistake of his life..." We're already at a funeral, we know why, and we dont need your NEGATIVITY you sorry fuck! And then he almost started to cry and i lost all control and started to cry for him... And then i lost it again when Mike and Jason sang... I only wish i would've been as good a friend as those guys were.

I love you guys!

Today doris and i went to the site and i almost got hit by a care... Due to the fact that those scary drivers SPEED. It seems that you can see where the front of his car hit the street when he jumped the tracks. But it seems crazy how he could've hit the tree because it was pretty far away from the RR Crossing...

We spent the time trying to smile, but its hard when you have tears running down your face. The site wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. I didnt think there would be words said at all, but me and doris actually talked and it was good. But i KNOW the funeral is going to be hell for everybody. I should've taken a bowtie...I know how much you guys HATE those bowties of mine, but it was something i could've used to leave my mark. Doris wouldnt let me leave my ring...

I really do miss him and i feel kinda dumb crying as well, because i know there are people who were hit harder than me, but i can say that this is THE HARDEST ive ever been hit by ANYTHING and this great guy made an impact on my life, so im hurt too...

I hope you are all doing alright and just know that we WILL get through this...

"Stand together -- Unite as friends"